??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
