all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
