He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
