Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
