come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
