You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
