; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
