dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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