I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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