I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
