8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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