I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
