Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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