first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
