So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
