WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
