I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
