i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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