Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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