We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
