There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
