Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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