the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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