is your mom at the bar?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
