So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
