it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
