My friends, they love my intelligence
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
