you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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