I just pynch a tree in the face
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
