dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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