her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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