hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize