Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
