Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
