I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
