my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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