Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize