I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
there is puke in my bra ... again
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
