I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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