I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
