i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
