Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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