So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
