All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
