How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
