Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
