very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She told me I should be a condom model.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
