And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
