i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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