party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The ass gains better be worth it
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