I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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