Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
