Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
