i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
