my phone needs a breathalizer
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
