how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
