She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
