Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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