I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
