Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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