I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
