i permit you to call me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
