my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
